Ten Ways To Ensure You Get To Work On Time And In Style When Taking The Peak Hour Train

1. When you see the train pulling into the station, position yourself right at the doorway on the platform so that no one else can board (or alight) before you enter the train.
   
   
2. When the train door opens, look for any available floor space. The moment you spot a floor area of at least 5 square centimetres, plant your foot there and inch your way forcefully into the train. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT give way to any passengers who may want to alight as the very act of giving way may result in the loss of your precious 5 square centimetres floor space.
   
   
3. When you have successfully entered the train, whip out the daily newspapers and start reading. Reading the papers even if amidst a crowded train is a must as you absolutely have to keep yourself updated about the latest news before anyone else beats you to it. Be sure to extend your arms to as far as your papers can bring you.
   
   
4. If you are able to hold on to a metal pole, make sure you lean your entire body onto the pole as your poor, tired body needs that extra bit of support and rest, not forgetting the gravity balance as well.
   
   
5. While you are doing all these, constantly keep an eye out for anyone who vacates his/her seat. The moment you spot an empty seat, even if it's at the other end of the carriage, immediately squeeeeze your way through the crowd. Push anyone that's standing in your way, step on their toes, whatever...., just make sure you get to YOUR seat! It's definitely worth the trouble even if it's just for one stop.
   
   
6. When you are seated down, make yourself comfortable by crossing your legs (left over right, or right over left) such that the leg that is 'crossed over' sticks right out and jabs anyone that tries to stand within a radius of 20 centimetres of you.
   
   
7. When your mobile phone rings, and it's your friend asking you about your schedule for the week, recite it loud and clear enough for the entire carriage to hear so that anyone who is possibly checking you out will know exactly where to go to catch you again.
   
   
8. The train journey can be rather boring so entertain yourself by listening to music at the fullest volume. Alternatively, you may suck on a sweet but make sure you suck, chew and slurp loudly enough to let your neighbours know what delicious a sweet you are having.
   
   
9. If the person next to you vacates his/her seat, put your bag or any other stuff you are carrying on that newly-vacated seat as it is quite a chore to have to hold on to your packages. Never mind if there are other people who may want to take the seat. Your own comfort is the topmost priority.
   
   
10. If you happen to be standing near the carriage door and people are alighting at a particular stop, do not bother to give way even if they scream 'excuse me' right into your ear. Just ignore or play deaf. Giving way may mean you have to step out of the train, and that leads to the possibility that there will be no more space for you to enter again. (Although logically speaking, passengers alighting means there is more space in the train. But then, logicality does not work here. The rule is 'Better Be Safe Than Sorry'.)